im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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