He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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