You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
