I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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