Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
