Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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