We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
