I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
