you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
