Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize