Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
so let's talk penis.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
