I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
