one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
