It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
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Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
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I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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