I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
