Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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