she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
