my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
