Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
