she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
