I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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