so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Randomize
