This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
