Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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