the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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