I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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