My friends, they love my intelligence
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
