I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
