He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
