I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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