I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
