Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
