You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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