Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
