You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
