I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
