I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
