i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
