My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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