when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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