Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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