I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
