talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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