cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
