Need sex. Gaining weight.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I look better un-naked...
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
