I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
