Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
