Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
