Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
