3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
