i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
That's how pantless uber rides happen