I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.