As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
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karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
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I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".