you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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