Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
