she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
