you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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