I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
