see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
