True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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